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 Six year-old Sandy woke with a start and sat up in bed when she heard the crash. Her parents were fighting in the kitchen, and by the sound, she knew her father had just thrown the big kettle at her mom.
Sandy’s stomach started to knot up. She was wide awake now, listening hard to hear the words that would give her the clue she needed. If her mom made no noises, then the fight would be ending soon and Sandy would try to go back to sleep. If her mom cried out more than once or twice, Sandy would sneak to the dining room to see if dad was hurting mom too much. Sometimes when he saw Sandy, he would back off. The little girl felt like that was the only way she could protect her mom.
Sandy’s mom cried out only once that night, and things quieted down. Sandy tried to go back to sleep, but her heart was beating fast and her stomach hurt. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw her father coming into her room with his head on fire. She worried that he would hurt her mom too much some day, and she didn’t know what would happen.
After a fitful night, Sandy was up early. Everyone was quiet as she dressed for school. On the ride to school with her dad, Sandy sat in the back seat as far away from him as possible. She was afraid and didn’t want to make him mad. He had hit her before and she knew he would do it again.
It was a bad day at school. Sandy had a fight with her best friend, and she snapped at her teacher for no reason. She felt tingles in her head and stomach, and she couldn’t concentrate on her math test. She ran home from the bus, just wanting to lie in her mom’s lap and snuggle. But mom was cleaning house and making a special dinner so Sandy’s dad wouldn’t be mad tonight. Sandy went to her room, back to her bed, and the knots in her stomach returned.
Sandy and her mom are typical of the children and mothers who eventually seek protection in our Safe Haven concealed shelter for domestic abuse victims. At this point, when the abuse is periodic and not too severe, the mothers are not ready to leave their partners. But typically the abuse becomes more frequent, and more violent, and too often the children are abused as well.
Family violence destroys more than a marriage. Growing up in a violent home is a terrifying and traumatic experience that can affect every aspect of a child’s growth and development. It can make children less likely to succeed in school, more likely to suffer and commit violence, and more likely to face a host of health problems that can last throughout their lives.
Fortunately, Sandy’s mom called Heartland Family Service in time. Now her dad is attending our Choosing Nonviolence batterer’s group. No one can tell if they will ever be a family again. But we do know they are all trying very hard to make it work.
(Note: Please understand that our client’s stories are deeply personal. The names and photos have been changed to protect their identity.)
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